If you’re raising a child with autism, you’ve likely faced moments when their behavior feels overwhelming, confusing, or even frightening. A meltdown in the grocery store, intense distress over a small change in routine, or aggressive reactions to everyday requests can leave you feeling helpless and unsure of what to do next. While not all children with autism exhibit unsafe behaviors, many families find themselves navigating tantrums, aggression, or self-injury as part of daily life. Understanding why these behaviors happen—and how to respond—can help you feel more confident and less alone. 

The most important thing to remember is this: all behavior serves a purpose. Your child isn’t acting out to be difficult or defiant. Challenging behaviors are their way of communicating a need, expressing big emotions, or coping with sensory experiences that feel overwhelming. Behavior analysts typically group these behaviors into four main functions:  

• Avoiding something unpleasant 

• Gaining access to something desirable 

• Seeking attention 

• Fulfilling a sensory need 

Figuring out which of these is driving your child’s behavior is the first step toward meaningful support. 

You don’t need to be a professional to start identifying patterns. Begin by learning about the ABCs of behavior—Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence. What happens right before the behavior? What does your child do? And what happens immediately after? Keeping a simple behavior log can help you spot trends, like certain times of day or transitions that trigger outbursts. Ask yourself, “What might my child be trying to communicate?” or “What are they gaining or avoiding when this happens?” These questions can help you shift from reacting to responding with intention. 

It is a common misconception that behavioral strategies just seek to “get rid of” challenging behaviors. Instead, once you understand the “why,” you can begin to use these behavioral strategies to prevent and replace the behavior. That might mean adjusting the environment—like offering a snack before dinner to avoid hunger-related meltdowns—or teaching your child a new way to express their needs, such as saying “stop please” instead of hitting. It also means changing how you respond to the behavior so it no longer “works” in the same way. For example, if hitting leads to you fixing toys exactly how your child wants, consider prompting them to use words instead and avoid reinforcing the behavior by immediately stepping in.  

Remember that changing behavior takes time, patience, and consistency—what looks like “defiance” is often your child doing their best to navigate a world that can feel unpredictable and overwhelming. The goal isn’t to eliminate all challenging behaviors overnight, but rather to help your child develop a toolkit of more effective ways to communicate their needs and manage their experiences. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s completely normal. By approaching your child’s behavior with curiosity rather than frustration, you’re not only helping them learn new skills but also strengthening your relationship with them. When you can see their behavior as communication rather than manipulation, you become their ally in figuring out what they need to be successful. Trust that your child wants to succeed and connect with others—sometimes they just need help learning how to do it in ways that work for everyone. 

If behaviors persist or feel unsafe, don’t hesitate to reach out to professionals trained in autism and applied behavior analysis. They can conduct a formal functional assessment and develop individualized strategies that fit your child and your family. And while the tips in this blog are a great starting point, they’re not one-size-fits-all—so be sure to collaborate with your child’s providers and educators to create a plan that truly supports your child’s growth.